The Way He Is

So it turns out I'm not good at this Advent Photo a Day bit. That's what happens when you're a single mom to a child with unique needs, wrapping up grad school, balancing a full time intenrship and part time work, job searching, and just trying to exist. But I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Advent is when we're supposed to Be Still and prepare our hearts. So while I wanted to use photographs and writing t document that, Life pulled me in another direction.

I had no way to know what motherhood would look like for me-- how high the highs would be, how lows the lows could be. I didn't understand Mom Guilt until I served my time in the trenches. I didn't understand helpless until a piece of my heart was walking around independently OUTSIDE of my body. Even still, I've only just begun my journey as a momma.

When you have a child that has chronic illness, it changes the game. When you have a child with a developmental delay/disorder, it changes the game. When you have a child with both, all you can do is hang on for the ride. I never know what to expect from one day to the next. I'm a planner, I like to control, I consider my options and go for the path of least resistance. But my sweet boy... he has lifted me from my world of Black & White and compelled me straight into a world of Grey. Almost completely Grey. Nothing is concrete, everything is forever shifting. This is not easy for me. It's Hard with a capital H. Still, I'm thankful for every day of living in the Grey Areas with him, because it means he is here, I am a mom, and life is good. My child has forever changed me, in ways I never could have imagined, and I will forever be grateful for his sweet little soul.

On the harder days, I have to remember the beauty in the insignificant little details of Life. I love the smell of his sweet breath, the lone freckle on his cheek, the furrow of his brow when he's engrossed in something. I love his wild and unpredictable curls-- they remind me of life, always changing, sometimes wonky, but always beautiful. I love his midget toes (one on each foot!). I love the way he still turns to me when he needs the world to Be Still. I am his rock, and he isn't afraid to let me know that. I cherish the moments when he comes out of his world and invites me to join him there. To examine a truck, to listen to a far away siren, to read a book, or bust a dance move. I love his tender spirit, and that he still trusts me even though I am the one that delivers him to appointment after appointment. I love the sound of his laughter when he throws his body into a bounce on his big yellow ball. I love the way he moves my glasses when he needs to really see me, to look into my eyes, to know that we're okay.

He says the funniest things. Yogurt Pants. I so smart. Sad baby. Say yes. And when he needs something, he neeeeeeds it with 13 syllables.

Life with this little boy is a gift. I will forever be grateful-- even on the craptastic days-- that I have the honor of calling myself his momma.